Dwarf on the Intarweb – Norman Lovett

In this week’s installment of “Dwarf on the Intarweb” I nitpick at and bitch about Norman Lovett’s online presence. Really, that sounds more fun than it actually is.

Like a lot of Red Dwarf-related sites, I notice this one has a splash page. It’s a waste of code, I think, but at least it loads quickly — but it loads quickly because there’s next to nothing on it, and most of what is on it could just as easily have found a home on the site’s home page or been eliminated altogether. And that, boys and girls, is why splash pages are a waste of time, effort, money and webpage code for everyone.

Anyway. I click on the rather oddly-designed “Enter” button and go to the home page, which is laid out simply enough, altho’ I notice it seems to have an awful lot of fiddly bits to load for such a simple page (f’r instance, those bars either side of the navigational buttons load in three parts, apparently ‘cos they have rounded ends. I’m no website design expert, but I suspect there’s an easier way to do that). It also has to be pointed out that the alternate text for the “Contact” button is “This is not a daffodil, repeat, this is not a daffodil!” I’m sure that wasn’t intended to rip off Hattie Hayridge, but it stands out among all the other legitimate Lovett quotes to anyone who’s seen much of Red Dwarf at all. Surely whoever actually made this site could have found another appropriate quote from Norm’s tenure as Holly? Goodness knows there are plenty to choose from. Just slapping up any old Holly quote regardless of whether it actually belongs on the website seems a bit lazy. (On the other hand, should Hattie ever establish a website of her own, I think this gives her the right to nick one of Norm’s best quotes for her own. That seems only fair.)

Maybe I’ve just been spoiled by the tons of information and things to do available on sites like Tony Hawks’, but this whole site feels a bit wanting for content to me. I mean, it’s updated appropriately (if a bit sporadically; his latest gig for purposes of recording his DVD gets no mention on his news page) when he’s about to tour or say something controversial about Grant Naylor Productions, but his “biography”, for instance, is five lines and a laundry list of appearances in every medium but oil paintings, along with lines from reviews. I guess that’s good if you’re going to book him someplace, but the ardent Norman Lovett fan seeking information would be obliged to look elsewhere. Even the “Family” page is more an attempt to present a resume (imagine that word with the appropriate accents, please, ‘cos I can’t do those in WordPress) than anything else. Hell, arguably this entire site was designed first and foremost for agents, and appealing to fans was more an afterthought than anything else.

I also noticed something about the site’s design. The font for most pages on this site is Arial (having checked with my handy-dandy MS Word program), but on the RD page it’s Arial Bold and the Gallery page has one Arial caption but shows the rest in your bog-standard Times New Roman. Shouldn’t those all be the same font, or nearly? Or do I nitpick too much? On the other hand, the Gallery is about the most entertaining page on this site — the selection of pictures is rather interesting and the captions are composed well; this, along with the RD page and the news page are the only flashes of Norm’s inimitable style you’ll see on this entire website. Which is, all in all, a bit disappointing.

Arlene’s Verdict: Unless you’re booking him or one of his family members for a gig somewhere, this site’s damn near useless. The gallery’s kind of fun, tho’.

In my next “Dwarf on the Intarweb” article, I give Chris Barrie a one-of-a-kind birthday pressie: a review of his web site. And if that isn’t a heartwarming and touching gesture from a fan to a performer, I don’t know what is.